More magical, even,
than chiropractic, a greater boon than osteopathy, a juicier graft than Christian
Science--such is astrology, an old art made new. I here whisper no secret; the
news is being sent all over the country, at second-class rates, by Professor
Llewellyn George, F.A.S., of Portland, Ore., the modern Paracelsus. Professor
George operates the Llewellyn College of Astrology in Portland (apparently in
P.O. Box 638) and is now on an eager hunt for pupils. He offers to teach me
the whole art for ten dollars cash, and if I can't raise all that cash, he agrees
to take a dollar or two on account and to trust me for the rest. [In
today's money, I think ten 1915 dollars would be at least $300--CSC.]
In addition, Professor George offers to sell me a bottle of his Planetary Hair
Grower at the inside price of one dollar, and to throw in full directions free.
This Planetary Hair Grower is no brother to the common unguents and elixirs
of the barber shops, but a transcendental and ineffable tonic, of star grease
and moon madness all compact. Says Professor George:
Not only are the ingrediants of this tonic made from the purest herbs, etc., but it is carefully prepared by us under proper benefic planetary influences at their auspicious times. As a further assurance of its merits and productive qualities, we prepare and furnish you with the dates of the proper phases of the moon, and the proper days in the periods, showing when to use our tonic for the best results.
The professor also gives a boost to Magic Secretive Oil, an extremely powerful
and useful preparation, though he does not manufacture it himself. It is made
at the Kosmos Sanitarium, 2112 Sherman avenue, corner of Simpson street, Evanston,
Ill., which is also the headquarters for the Blood Purifier and Nerve Builder
Tea. The Magic Secretive Oil costs $1.05 a bottle, postage paid. The Blood Purifier
sells at fifty-five cents a poun. Rub yourself with the one and take a daily
swig of the other, and you will be as free from aches and spavins as a Christian
Scientist. And if, by any chance, they don't work, then you may go to the Kosmos
Sanitarium and take its "cold water treatments, sun and air baths, homeopathy,
physical culture, magnetism, etc." And if you haven't the money for so
long a journey, Dr. H.E. Lane, the resident chirurgeon, will give you homeopathy
and magnetism by mail.
Professor George publishes a monthly journal in the interest of Esoteric and
Mundane Astrology. It is called the Astrological Bulletina and is hospitable
to the announcements of other and even rival pundits. For example, it gives
a quarter of a page to Prof. A.W. Martens, N.A., of Burlington, Iowa, who teaches
Mental Fascination by mail, and is the author of standard textbooks upon The
Divinity of Desire, How to Secure a Beautiful Complexion and the Yogi
Philosophy. Again, it gives sapce to Prof. A.J. Straughan's Astro-Biochemistry,
to the Concetro, a new device for concentrating the mind, and to the Lyon Gyro
Suspender, this last a new gallus for New Thoughters. But of all these great
inventions more anon. Meanwhile I have sent for a carboy of the Planetary Hair
Grower and shall try it on the Hon. M.M.
Max Ways and Wilbur F. Coyle [Maryland
writer, author of The Mayors of Baltimore.].
Carl Bode, ed., The Young Mencken (New York: The Dial Press, 1973) 242-3.