More magical, even, than chiropractic, a greater boon than osteopathy, a juicier graft than Christian Science--such is astrology, an old art made new. I here whisper no secret; the news is being sent all over the country, at second-class rates, by Professor Llewellyn George, F.A.S., of Portland, Ore., the modern Paracelsus. Professor George operates the Llewellyn College of Astrology in Portland (apparently in P.O. Box 638) and is now on an eager hunt for pupils. He offers to teach me the whole art for ten dollars cash, and if I can't raise all that cash, he agrees to take a dollar or two on account and to trust me for the rest. [In today's money, I think ten 1915 dollars would be at least $300--CSC.]
In addition, Professor George offers to sell me a bottle of his Planetary Hair Grower at the inside price of one dollar, and to throw in full directions free. This Planetary Hair Grower is no brother to the common unguents and elixirs of the barber shops, but a transcendental and ineffable tonic, of star grease and moon madness all compact. Says Professor George:
Not only are the ingrediants of this tonic made from the purest herbs, etc., but it is carefully prepared by us under proper benefic planetary influences at their auspicious times. As a further assurance of its merits and productive qualities, we prepare and furnish you with the dates of the proper phases of the moon, and the proper days in the periods, showing when to use our tonic for the best results.
The professor also gives a boost to Magic Secretive Oil, an extremely powerful and useful preparation, though he does not manufacture it himself. It is made at the Kosmos Sanitarium, 2112 Sherman avenue, corner of Simpson street, Evanston, Ill., which is also the headquarters for the Blood Purifier and Nerve Builder Tea. The Magic Secretive Oil costs $1.05 a bottle, postage paid. The Blood Purifier sells at fifty-five cents a poun. Rub yourself with the one and take a daily swig of the other, and you will be as free from aches and spavins as a Christian Scientist. And if, by any chance, they don't work, then you may go to the Kosmos Sanitarium and take its "cold water treatments, sun and air baths, homeopathy, physical culture, magnetism, etc." And if you haven't the money for so long a journey, Dr. H.E. Lane, the resident chirurgeon, will give you homeopathy and magnetism by mail.
Professor George publishes a monthly journal in the interest of Esoteric and Mundane Astrology. It is called the Astrological Bulletina and is hospitable to the announcements of other and even rival pundits. For example, it gives a quarter of a page to Prof. A.W. Martens, N.A., of Burlington, Iowa, who teaches Mental Fascination by mail, and is the author of standard textbooks upon The Divinity of Desire, How to Secure a Beautiful Complexion and the Yogi Philosophy. Again, it gives sapce to Prof. A.J. Straughan's Astro-Biochemistry, to the Concetro, a new device for concentrating the mind, and to the Lyon Gyro Suspender, this last a new gallus for New Thoughters. But of all these great inventions more anon. Meanwhile I have sent for a carboy of the Planetary Hair Grower and shall try it on the Hon. M.M. Max Ways and Wilbur F. Coyle [Maryland writer, author of The Mayors of Baltimore.].
Carl Bode, ed., The Young Mencken (New York: The Dial Press, 1973) 242-3.
Back to the blog